Tough Break

It's taken me a few days to get back to this blog and to be honest I really didn't want to write tonight. I had a pretty tough past week and I just didn't want to do any more "work" related to trying to get pregnant. But, I think the disappointments need to be expressed, along with the good stuff in order to get a truly accurate picture of the process. So, here goes.

As you all know, Travis and I had an IUI done a couple of weeks ago and this past Saturday was supposed to be day 1 of my period/new cycle. Leading up to this past weekend, everything seemed to be falling in to place. I got my FSH level from the doc (follicle stimulating hormone) and it was 60.8 which is an amazing read. If trying to get pregnant, the goal is to be >10 and on clomid >20. So I knocked that baby out of the park. The reading was done through my ob-gyn and they told me I should take a pregnancy test. I told them no, I was waiting until Monday (about 6 days later) because I had promised myself that I would wait until I was sure I had missed my period. My acupuncturist used a bunch of different needle stick sites during my session last week and told me to relax and avoid lifting anything heavy. Also, the infertility doc (which I am excited to post about next time!) did a sonogram and the epithelium (lining) in my uterus was "fluffy" (which is apparently good) and it showed I had ovulated and there were 3 follicles (eggs).

Armed with all of this info, I became extremely hopeful. At the same time, my boobs started to hurt, my lower back ached and I started feeling really tired. I stopped drinking any alcohol or caffeine and tried to eat a lot of fish, as directed by the acupuncturist. And then came Saturday. I woke up and had one tiny speck of blood and got really upset assuming my period was starting, like clockwork as always. But then, it went away! And believe me, I checked and checked and checked. I had to work that day and probably went to the bathroom once an hour, I hope nobody was tracking! I stayed period-free that entire day and got  even more excited.

On Sunday, I started getting spotting but when I looked it up, it resembled implantation bleeding EXACTLY. Implantation bleeding occurs a couple of days after the fertilized egg implants in to the walls of the uterus, is fairly common and usually appears as dark colored spotting. When my period starts, it is like a tidal wave and usually involved a lot of cramping, which I did not have, so I summed it up as the implantation bleeding and continued to be excited.

Sunday night I could not sleep, I was so excited and nervous. So at 12:15am Monday morning I got up to take my pregnancy test. And it was negative. And then my period started, literally within hours of taking the test. My body had just played a mean practical joke on itself.

I just don't know if words can truly describe the heartbreak that this brings on. The disappointment is overwhelming, I feel like an idiot for thinking I had pregnancy symptoms and it honestly feels like someone has died. It is that burning pain in your heart, an actual physical pain, that I have only really felt in the past when I've lost a loved one. I know nothing actually died, but in my mind for that past week I was pregnant and then with one test I was not, so in that way my baby died. And all that hopefulness that I had created over the past week, just led to a bigger fall this month. Travis had warned me all week not to get my hopes up to high and I wish I had been able to listen to him.

I couple this sadness with fierce frustration. How can this be that hard? We literally put over 100 million sperm right where they needed to be, pumped out three different eggs and provided the most nurturing environment for implantation and growth. I can't wrap my mind, rationally, why this can't work other than my body just can't sustain a pregnancy. This is the fear that I cannot shake this month, even now that the sadness has mostly gone away.